after Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley “The Queen, who is 80 today, is the best thing about the monarchy: constant, reassuring and one of the most accomplished politicians of our age. But the institution is finished and Elizabeth could well be all that’s keeping it alive.” Jonathan Freedland, The Guardian, 21st April 2006 I met […]
Written after reading that Preston and Chantelle are planning to marry. 1 Find yourself a blonde, preferably not naturally so. Make sure she has a voice like a choir of foghorns and a burning desire to be famous. It matters not for what. Woo her with champagne at Macdonalds whilst the press looks on, their […]
Celebrity Big Brother winner Chantelle is still living the dream, to the extent that she and Preston, who she met in the Big Brother house, have announced their engagement. I’m marrying for money for the equity cash brings. My fiancee wasn’t loaded, he plays guitar and sings but we met on television and we’re minting […]
Whitney Houston’s sister-in-law, Tina Brown, recently claimed that Whitney is hooked on drugs and living in squalor. She said the singer spends days locked in her bedroom amid piles of garbage, taking drugs and using sex toys. She also released shocking photographs showing the star’s bathroom littered with drug paraphernalia, including a crack-smoking pipe and […]
Sharon Stone is telling randy teenagers to have oral sex instead of giving up their virginity. Hey kids, give blowjobs or learn to munch rug – offer your mouth to any under-sexed thug who demands satisfaction in the traditional way. It saves money on condoms and there’s no price to pay. Get down and dirty […]
after To Whom it May Concern by Adrian Mitchell I was destroyed by the press again this morning couldn’t say if I was the reason for the nation yawning so coat my nose in cocaine tell me lies about falling in love. Woke up yet more famous and it hurts like hell knowing the price […]
Tony Blair speaks to potential lenders Labour may have gathered as much as £10m in secret loans before the last election. I’m not saying that a loan will alone secure a place in the hallowed House of Lords, but as I said Your Grace (if I can address you thus now your cheque is in […]
after Rudyard Kipling Kate Moss has been shortlisted for the ‘Celebrity Mother of the Year’ award alongside celebrities such as Sharon Osbourne and Rod Stewart’s fiancée Penny Lancaster. Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, also made the list. If you can love your child when all about you are hating theirs and blaming it on Heat, […]
Californian state officials have given pop star Michael Jackson one more day to come up with back wages for more than 30 employees at his Neverland ranch. If he fails to pay today, he faces a lawsuit from the state. Spendthrift frenzy buys effortless charm as long as money flows and no one is harmed. […]
Wayne Rooney has been given a £5 million advance on five volumes of his autobiography by HarperCollins. There’s only one Wayne Rooney, but how many ghosts will help write his adventures between the goalposts? At a million per volume of biographical fudge you’d hope for word wizardry to make gold of the sludge; the swearing, […]