LESSONS IN LOVE FOR POSH BOYS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS

Written after reading that Preston and Chantelle are planning to marry.

1
Find yourself a blonde,
preferably not naturally so.
Make sure she has a voice
like a choir of foghorns
and a burning desire to be famous.
It matters not for what.
Woo her with champagne at Macdonalds
whilst the press looks on,
their cameras chattering like prurient
chimps at a tea party.
Or meet her on reality TV.
Begin as you mean to go on.
It will help if you sing
or play some sort of sport,
will allow the press a whole
new lexicon of metaphor
on which to hang your lives –
you know how they love innuendo.

2
Make Beckham your hero.
Dress like him,
imitate his strangulated speaking voice,
hide the fact that you are illegitimate
royalty (or was it a descendent of prime ministers)
and are from the Cotswolds.
Do not fall in love, but marry
your unnatural blonde,
make children with her.
Stick with her until your fame is fixed
in the annals of Heat.
If you must conduct affairs,
do so at events the press finds dull
like Polo matches.
Be discreet
but keep a diary;
sell the rights
for half a million quid.

3
Speak out in public together
on Mondays
about fatuous things,
like the weather and the size of your penis
or what plans you have for her breasts.
On Wednesdays spend all your time in interviews
discussing, in depth, your favourite shades of green.
On Friday you may discuss politics
quietly with your wife

in earshot of journalists.

4
Fame’s as thin as ice;
thousands of people wait
beneath its surface
like wintering fish
waiting to pull you under

and take your place.
To survive you must
be bland and fleet of foot
and be ready for divorce
in two years’ time.

5
Buy and sell your marriages like stocks and shares;
the famous cannot afford love and all its snares.