Kylie Minogue is to make her debut as an author in September with Showgirl Princess, a semi-autobiographical children’s book. What might happen if Kate Moss, who allegedly used a Faberge egg to carry cocaine, ecstasy and the date-rape drug Rohypnol around the world with her, followed the same route? Our latest bestseller, for streetwise kids […]
Supermodel Naomi Campbell is fuming after her name was linked to Botox pioneer Dr Jean-Louis Sebagh through two stories in Hello! magazine. The 35-year-old catwalk queen has previously denied having any form of cosmetic enhancement. Cast in bronze or carved from alabaster, surviving on a diet of air and pasta, models waft through the pages […]
“Tessa Jowell, the beleagured culture secretary, is expected to learn her fate tomorrow after an inquiry to establish whether she breached the ministerial code by failing to reveal some of her family’s business dealings.” The Guardian, 1/3/06 Dear Culture Minister, divine Tessa Jowell I await with interest an earnest avowal of financial transparency backed up […]
Armin Meiwes – who murdered and ate a man he met over the internet – says he would like to have Robbie Williams for dinner because he only eats “beautiful people”. Twisted though his outlook may be, it is an excellent metaphor for the desperate need to be famous that is creeping through the heart […]
“Prince Charles regards himself as a ‘dissident working against the prevailing political consensus’, who scatters furious letters to ministers on contentious issues and denounces elected leaders of other countries…” The Guardian, 22nd February 2006 The dissident who would be King keeps hoping he’s the real thing, but angry letters from an ivory tower are a […]
Madonna is believed to have injured herself recently by exercising too much and by contorting herself into unusual positions during dance routines. Take me to my exercise chamber and work me ‘til I’m muscle, skin and bone. Fitness is essential, so don’t be reverential just work me ‘til I’m less than seven stone. Push me […]
Gordon Brown’s leadership song. There’s no reason to be skittish about taking pride in being British. The Empire may be over, but we’re great We’ve faced up to global terror so let me be your standard bearer. I’ll even stop the trains from running late. I want to be your Prime Minister, not the saturnine […]
Arsenal defender Sol Campbell recently escaped the media storm surrounding him by disappearing to less than glamorous Belgium. I’m going to Belgium to hide from the press. My career is failing, I’m deeply depressed and I don’t want paparazzi camped by my door. So I’m off to Belgium, a place they’ll abhor. I’d initially thought […]
Britney Spears has been attacked by drunks at a stag party in LA. “They were obviously very drunk and jealous of her success. They were yelling, ‘Give us some of your money’ and lunging at her,” an onlooker said. It comes down to nothing but cash in the end, this bitter success, this absence of […]
Psalm 6 from The Book of Common Celebrity Prayer. I want to be a prophet for the new millennium. I want to be the voice of superstar chic. I want to be the greatest, the coolest, the latest. I want cameras in the toilets when I take a leak. I want to inspire celebrity fatwahs. […]