I WANT TO BE A PROPHET

Psalm 6 from The Book of Common Celebrity Prayer.

I want to be a prophet for the new millennium.
I want to be the voice of superstar chic.
I want to be the greatest, the coolest, the latest.
I want cameras in the toilets when I take a leak.
I want to inspire celebrity fatwahs.
I want wars in the press every week.
I want bigwig pretenders to be ritually humiliated
if they look like they’re about to turn the other cheek

I want satirical cartoons to expose my foibles.
I want to be a prophet, only stylishly dressed.
I want people who hate me to burn my albums.
I want all my fans to burn flags and protest.
I want to be Mohammed, Jesus and Moses.
I want to be whatever saviour my svengalis suggest.
I want to be godlike, I want people to stare
when I dance through suburbia on my holy quest

I want to be a prophet for the new millennium.
I want to be the voice of superstar chic.
I want to found an utterly trivial religion
because religion, on the whole, is cruel and bleak.