WILL YOU LOOK GOOD ON THE DANCEFLOOR THIS TIME NEXT YEAR?

Words of warning for the Arctic Monkeys.

You must get into the charts again,
keep weaving that uncertain spell
that put you for weeks at number one
– number two next time would be hell –
but you mustn’t get journalists cross
by being too clever-by-half.
Don’t make the second record too great
or they’ll rip you apart for a laugh.

You must get into the charts again,
just with a second-rate album.
Get high on drugs and free alcohol
and stick the songs down with cow-gum.
It won’t matter a damn if they’re bad
as long as the hype is in place.
You’ll just have to wait a year or two
before saving critical face.

You must maintain your rank in the charts
knowing you’re expected to fail.
The media hopes you’ll choke on smoke
from Pete Docherty’s tin-foil grail.
They hope you’ll be glorious losers
and forge a quick, squalid defeat;
that sort of celeb sells more stories
than bands who can think on their feet.