Prince Charles was overheard on Tuesday suggesting that McDonalds should be banned. It later came out that his Duchy Original Cornish Pasties were fattier, saltier and generally less healthy than a Big Mac. The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Charles might be thinking.
I don’t want blubbery subjects
enslaved to some burger chain.
It would put a terrible dampener
on my eventual reign.
I don’t want a nation of fatties,
unable to sink to their knees,
who can’t genuflect, bow or scrape
because of oncoming heart disease.
I want people to buy organic
from my farms or possibly elsewhere
who’ll avoid diabetic disasters
and not be ruled by the latest health scare.
I want McDonalds and Burger King banned
they’re disgraceful and tatty; a malaise.
Perhaps Duchy Farms should set up
a healthy fast food chain of cafés?
My pasties may be fattier than burgers,
they may be more loaded with salt
but they’re organic and pesticide-free
and McDonalds are still at fault
because their food is so cheap people buy it
without a second thought.
A Duchy pasty’s terribly expensive
and thus far less regularly bought.
I want to live off the fat of the land
not rule a land of the fat.
It may be an old fashioned approach
but I don’t see anything wrong with that.
If I’m seen as a reactionary fossil
or just an interfering old nutter
I don’t mind as at least I still know
on which side my pasties are buttered.