THE CELEBRITY DEATH REVENGE CLUB

Steve Irwin fans have allegedly been have been killing stingrays in a series of revenge attacks for his death.

This week we shall be taking revenge on baths
for removing Jim Morrison from us in his prime
we have the mallets and the sacks we’ll need
it may be late in the day
for such acts of vengeance
but justice never sleeps.

Last week it was trees and minis.
We smashed them all, every single one that we could find
and made sculptures commemorating Marc Bolan,
all of them in the shape of dinosaurs –
the biggest of all was a T Rex, obviously.
It glints in the sun over Barnes, menacing and wonderful
a 100 foot high commemoration to a great singer.
I still see its steering wheel eyes
winking at me when I dream.

We have plans to dry up all the rivers
we can get our hands on
because of what they did to Jeff Buckley.
Those bloody rivers have it coming, I tell you.
No more drownings!
Do it properly and we can take out every lake as well
which should appease the ghosts of Shelley and Otis Redding.
All these wonderful people should not be allowed to die.

Some of us had wanted to seek justice
for the memories of John Belushi, Jimi Hendrix,
River Phoenix, Janis Joplin –
anyone who died from an excess of drink or drugs.
There was dissention in the ranks;
someone said the only way to do so
would be to dig up their bones and jump on them
that they did it to themselves.
We eased our shame at not being able to help
by deciding to destroy X ray units in hospitals instead.
You can rest easy now, Marie Curie

Our manifesto is simple
celebrities are wonderful and must be protected
We’ve destroyed all stairs
because of what happened to Laura Ashley,
all aeroplanes to avenge the deaths
of the Big Bopper, Buddy Holly, Patsy Cline.
Swimming pools no longer exist –
Brian Jones, I hope your ghost is happy.
If we are successful in our mission,
there will eventually be nothing left
to harm celebrities, except themselves.
What we’ll do then I do not know…