EXOTIC BIRDS AND DUCK TAPE

You’d be forgiven for thinking that babes in frocks at awards ceremonies were a modern phenomenon. But as far back as the 40s, Hollywood’s greatest publicists were using these events as a launch pad for young girls’ careers, taking them from obscurity to infamy with nothing more than a broad smile, a gorgeous body and a stunning dress.

In the 50s, Theo Cowan’s Rank Charm School helped groom the likes of Joan Collins and Diana Dors for stardom, providing all the skills they’d need to meet-and-greet and look their best at every ceremony.

Over the years, many a profile has been raised, many a personality reinvented and many a fashion criminal convicted at these back-slapping schmooze marathons.

Anyone expecting to see a Blue Peter-accredited sticky tape expert at Tuesday’s National Television Awards will have been sorely disappointed, as scores of b-list babes in Top Shop frocks gradually came unstuck over the course of the evening.

Barely known actresses on the verge of extra-dom rolled up and rolled around in a writhing mass of cheeky cheeks and pokey nipples as those winning the awards played out a sideshow for anyone seeking peripheral entertainment whilst waiting for the next celeb to keel over.

A little-known actress from The Bill, Jane Wall, ended up more un-PC than WPC after ditching her uniform and opting for a grey net dress that looked like it had been used to catch crabs off Cromer beach earlier that morning.

The mollusc-catcher flaps were working perfectly, waving about on the cool autumn breeze, perhaps attracting a little too much attention to the wearer’s own catch, which was presumably intended to stay in the net.

Even Anthea Turner couldn’t get it right, opting for a “just dropping the kids off at school then popping down Tesco’s” trousers ‘n’ top combo.

Anyway, enough of my sour diagnosis and time for some Stuntwatch theory that could get me an honorary membership of the society of elbow-padded mathematicians and save many an aspiring starlet much embarrassment.

Great body + great dress = great sensation

It might sound simple, but 90% of our home-grown TV totty still manage to get it wrong.

Get it right and you get Liz Hurley in “that dress”.

Get the first bit wrong and you get Donatella Versace looking crap in the dress that Jennifer Lopez looked great in.

Get the second bit wrong and you get Kelly Brook with a split up to her neck.

Get both bits wrong and you end up with what can only be described as a Finnigan.