CRUZ v KIDMAN

The story that they tried to hide has finally broken: Penelope Cruz is taking time off to relax after a number of films, and will be doing a course in photography.

Cue one third of a page including photo in the Daily Express.

This raises the opportunity for a welter of broadsheet think-pieces on the relationship between performer and camera; the psychological and emotional pressures of continued involvement in mediocre film-making; the role of adult education in personal development; and a regular celebrity interview column: “How I like to get in a plug for my latest film/book/useless fashion/design accoutrement by getting a ghost writer to write 300 words on what I do to relax”.

I digress. This piece of anodyne non-news bullshit regarding Tom Cruise’s amour and their fascinating relationship offers an illuminating insight into the “dribble drivel” technique of maintaining a public profile – dripping out inconsequential rubbish as part of a carefully orchestrated campaign to promote each other’s careers.

Kidman scored a big hit with her strategically impromptu leap of delight on receipt of the separation papers (surely a candidate for Oscar nomination).

Now Cruz fights back. Penelope’s off to buy a 35mm Kodak Gold triple pack from Boots.

But the sub-text to this tale is the usual will they won’t they, are they, aren’t they, should they, could they, why not and when.

Kidman may be flouncing around kit-free or fetish clad for Moulin Rouge. She did that whole Cannes-Can (apologies).

But a hot story about Penny’s camera class puts Tom and Penny right back in the spotlight. It’s all about nullifying Nic.

Congratulations to Pat Kingsley – super-powerful Hollywood publicist. A figure so influential she was the first person Cruise chose to thank when collecting an award recently.

It’s difficult to gauge where this should sit on a stunt meter. It’s such a pathetic story. But it made the news – because it concerned a celebrity.

I’d give it a 10 for execution and nothing for content. Call it 5.

Nicole: over to you.