The Advanced Hair Studio hair replacement system is brilliant. I know. Not from personal experience, you understand, but because Graham Gooch, most of the tabloids and half the broadsheets tell me so.
You see, the clever boffins at the Advanced Hair Studio coat your head in silicone skin, do some needlework with a hank of second-user Russian hair, take £2K to £10K upfront, charge £50 a month maintenance and repeat the whole process between one and five years later.
The process may be a little pricey but it has to be worth it.
I’ll be telling my over-sensitive, baldy mates they can swim in it, they can exercise in it and they can even shampoo it without fear of suffering “flappy syrup syndrome”.
Better still – call me stupid – I’ll be able to tell them the wig (sorry, hair replacement system) makes you hot stuff with the opposite sex.
Take a dip and not one but TWO gorgeous, pouting, curvaceous, blonde bombshells will slip into skimpy bikinis and dive into a pool to give your head a good rubbing. Ooh-er.
Actually, there’s no point telling my over-sensitive, baldy mates about it because, like me, they all saw the pictures and read the reams of copy in the papers.
Half of them are ringing 192 for the Advanced Hair Studio’s number right now (it’s 020-7584 8672).
Previously, they’d only have learned about the Advanced Hair Studio’s unique hair replacement system by shamefacedly studing bizarre ads, in which the unique hair replacement system, developed by the Advanced Hair Studio (that’s the Advanced Hair Studio), is ringingly endorsed by ex-cricketing icon Gooch.
But ads are rubbish, as we all know, and the connection between actual results and the retouched promises of a wig commercial cannot be proved by any branch of science known to man.
But – thank God – here, at last, in the papers and on the telly, is living, three-dimensional, incontrovertible, rock-solid evidence that no-follicle-on-the-cranium agony may be defeated once and for all.
There is even a QC on hand to verify it all. There can be no more authoritative stamp of integrity than the word of a British lawyer, after all.
As stunts go, this one is superb. The real story is that poor, credulous Andy Evans (39) from Macclesfield shelled out £2,700 for a rug from the Advanced Hair Studio, which subsequently terrorised his every waking moment by threatening to slide off his pate.
It caused him “permanent paranoia and embarrassment”. Much as his earlier baldness must have done.
It must be irritating to pay nearly three grand for what you once had for free.
So Mr Evans appealed against the Advanced Hair Studio’s claims and the Advertising Standards Authority agreed he had been sadly misled.
I have to admit, I was. Looking at Gooch’s picture in the ad, I thought the wig was on his lip.
But the Advanced Hair Studio was sharp. While weaker souls would have tried to hide behind some mumblingly limp, off-the-shelf, damage limitation statement, it emerged with all guns blazing.
The charismatic Gooch plus two bits of hot totty V whinging Andy from Macclesfield? No contest.