THE LATEST ADDICTION

Written after reading that Nicole Kidman is likely to return to Catholicism after a long dalliance with Scientology.

If work is thin on the ground and your weight’s increasing,
if booze is not helping and your accountant’s been fleecing
you dry as a biscuit whilst your partner’s affair
makes headline news – or even if Heat’s just been mocking your hair –
then why not turn to religion? You could try Scientology,
replace your psychiatrist with sci-fi theology.

Or, like Madonna, you could toy with the Kabbalah.
You could worship Woden and fight in Valhalla.
If your career in the States is as dead as a dodo,
then why not try Islam? If that’s a definite no-no
– and I can see that it is by the way you’re reacting –
then how about Buddhism? It’s rather exacting
for a full-blown celebrity to practice moderation
so just wear the bangles and make a donation.
Hindu, Catholic, Jewish or Greek Orthodox,
pick your belief like you’re purchasing socks.

All these religions are simply an addiction,
an attempt to feed your hunger for calm and conviction
but it’s not religious fervour that makes your eyes glaze,
it’s an allergic reaction to your own asinine ways.
Haven’t you realised how empty your spiritual glass is?
Or that religion’s the crack of the celebrity classes?