WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW

Sir Paul McCartney has furiously refuted allegations by his estranged wife Heather Mills that he was physically abusive towards her. The former Beatle is furious over the claims made by Heather in leaked divorce documents, and has vowed to “vigorously” contest the allegations in court.

What we really want to know
is that money got the better of both of them

What we really want to know
is that the breakdown of the marriage was Yoko Ono’s fault

What we really want to know
is that Paul McCartney
after years of thumb-raising cheeriness
finally lost his rag
tore off Heather’s false leg
and ran around the house with it, screaming

What we really want to know
is that Heather hopped after him
stark naked
singing Helter Skelter backwards
and waving a machete
until she got blisters on her fingers

What we really want to know
is when Beatrice is being taken into care
and why the local council didn’t serve ASBOs

What we really want to know
is that the stupidly rich are no better than us
and all their money affords them
is a better class of bust up

What we really want to know
is the gory truth
the minute details of beatings, stabbings, blackmail, hatred
It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not
as long as there are photos in the tabloids

Anyway,
who needs truth in a celebrity divorce?