WE ARE THE WAGS

The wives and girlfriends (otherwise known as WAGS) of England’s football team have set up camp in Germany and are doing their level best to outshine the team’s rather boring antics on the football pitch.

“The cliche about footballers’ wives dictates that they form the kind of rigid girly hierarchies last seen at the back of the school bus, are manicured on the hour, and can drop the GDP of Ecuador in a two-hour shopping spree.” Marina Hyde, The Guardian, Friday, June 23.

We are the WAGS
and we carry gags
for journalists and boyfriends alike.

We are the WAGS
with Versace bags
and we’re lapping up the sponsorship from Nike.

We’re party girls in Germany
with lavish lifestyles all for free
and the whole world needs to know just who we are.

We thought we’d found a great hotel
but the journalists are here as well
leering with their cameras from the bar

We’ve got our Fifa eunuchs all in tow –
there’s nowhere else for them to go –
the actual football matters not a bit.

We treat Faberge like Tupperware,
keep specialists to treat our hair
and men to place soft cushions where we sit.

We’ve bought all the perfume in Cologne,
reap Gucci shoes from cash we’ve sown;
in Nuremberg we rally to this cause.

Though in England spending’s dipped a bit
in Germany we’re full of it –
we’re flashing all our cash without a pause.

We are the WAGS.
If anything sags
we’ll cut it out and lick it into shape.

We are the WAGS.
We all drive Jags.
We’re the poor but pretty girls who have escaped.

We WAGS will not be stopping
in our lust to keep on shopping;
we all need to buy new houses for our tat.

In Hamburg we’ve gone super-sized.
Our naked greed is undisguised
and I’ll tell you now there’s nothing wrong with that.

We are more than stick-thin leeches.
We rule the roost we wear the breeches.
Not for nothing do our little boys wear shorts

We may be nip and tuck-aholics
but our crazed financial frolics
do far more for this nation than mere sports.

We help economies to stay afloat
though our partners have them by the throat
cause we spend every penny comes our way.

We may be asanine and greedy
but in Posh and Cheryl Tweedy
we have archetypes to show us all the way.