THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN COOL PRIME MINISTER

Tony Blair is still clearly considering his place in history. The Borkowski poet in residence wonders if he might not be better placed in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta…

I am the very model of a modern cool Prime Minister.
My intonation’s lively, not serious and sinister.
I know the Queen of England and my purpose is historical –
from learning to the NHS, not one thing’s metaphorical

I’m very well acquainted, too, with issues of legality
I understand a quandary in all matters of morality
and though I understand a paper serves a very useful function,
I wish the High Court judge had served The Guardian an injunction.

I’m very good at grinning and at spouting little soundbites
yet I’ve built New Labour up to be a mound of teeming termites.
Oh, my intonation’s lively, not serious and sinister;
I am the very model of a modern cool Prime Minister!

I know our mythic history, of Thatcher and of Churchill,
and make speeches like a cross between them both and Julie Burchill.
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Mr Galloway.
Doctor Who’s no mystery, I know my Tardis from my Gallifrey.

I can tell that David Cameron and his band of New Conservatives
are planning to oust Gordon and put my project in preservatives
to keep as an example of all that’s gloriously political
but any hope of bettering me is simply pataphysical.

My dealings in the Middle East with the suppressed Iraqis
will be endlessly discussed by latter-day David Starkeys.
Oh, my intonation’s lively, not serious and sinister;
I am the very model of a modern cool Prime Minister.

In fact, when I know what’s meant by “puissance” and “incubus”,
When I can tell at sight a great speech from a syllabus,
When such affairs as Lordships and surprises I’m more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat”

When I have learned to lead and not just follow some American,
When I know more of what is happening in the deserts of Iran,
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
You’ll say that this Prime Minister’s deserving of an elegy.