Tamworth Two the real deal

The cover feature of the Media Guardian yesterday was about the Tamworth Two. Remember the tale of the two little pigs that escaped from an abattoir in Malmesbury? The story is to be turned into a comedy film. I am utterly outraged that my central role in the drama will merit no attention whatsoever. The Daily Mail hired me to help when it became clear that the pigs that they had bought up were in the hands of two animal fanatics. I would have thought that the producers would have been anxious to focus on my awe-inspiring performance as the publicist-with-a-heart who finds the benighted beasts a place in an animal sanctuary instead of embarking on a tacky process of celeb exploitation. I have heard nothing. Obviously, when the movie is released, I will have some insider revelations that might have a severe impact on box office returns, but that’s just one of those things.