Spin, Weddings, Money and the House of Windsor

Piers Morgan dismisses the idea that the British Secret services ever murdered anyone. In a new movie documentary feature, Unlawful Killing, Piers suggests, if MI5 don’t kill the baddies, what’s the point of them?

I feel that the new Royal couple may have a similar problem. I might have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, but they seem to be playing down much of the glamour that is surely an essential part of the royal schtick. Kate Middleton is subtly selling the idea she will be nothing like her deceased mum-in-law to be (there’s a simpler way, Kate – don’t promote landmine charities!).

What is the point of royalty if there is no glamour? The Royal spin machine is much more professional that it was thirty years ago, but that very spin cycle seems to be rinsing out the parts that make royalty royal. They balance media relations with some tough, side of stage legal rottweilers and these snarling beasts control the minds of editorial ambition.

Of course, the world has moved on and super celebrity couples are thick on the ground. Posh and Becks, Brangelina – you know, the motley crew. Arguably the choice to carefully craft the brand narrative has been pretty clever. Perhaps they are being made to stand out by stepping back.

Make no mistake, however; it’s all about trade and commerce. Forget the tea towels, sick bags and bunting – by all accounts the House of Windsor is good for tourism. Isn’t that the reason to spend tax payers’ money? Doesn’t the world love all the pomp and circumstance? They flock to our shores, not for the bucolic vistas and awesome old cityscapes but for a glimpse of the monarchy – don’t they?

We are a nation cryogenically frozen in a period costume drama and don’t the foreign consumers just love it! This Friday the nation, and the world, will bask in fuzzy marshmallow sunshine as another brood mare is given the royal seal of approval. The event hype is moving at a fabulously controlled pace and the glamour machine is on hand for this event at least. There’s a firm hand on the media tiller – even Harry has been bolted down!

But after the state pageant do we want the future to be seamless and without flaws? I guess we are entering a new age, one without calamities. A perfect, photogenic couple; a prince with an ‘arm’s length’ media policy, controlled offerings and a statesman-like and focused approach, sans plummy vowels.

If this is it for the Royal gaffe, I will be very sad! I will mourn the era of Royal misfits and hapless bit part players, the era of It’s A Royal Knockout and its knock-on effects. Harry, Fergie, Andrew, Sophie, Edward, I beg you – please don’t disappear! Please make an effort and break out of your media shackles once in a while to give us all a laugh!