I'M SURE I CAN LEARN FROM LEMBIT

“Yesterday the Liberal Democrats cemented their reputation as a party struggling to be taken seriously after Lembit Opik, MP announced that he had split with his television weather forecaster fiancee and was dating one half of the kitsch pop duo the Cheeky Girls.” The Guardian, 18/12/06.
The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Tony Blair might make of this, given his current desire to bury bad news…

I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and resurrect my career.
I must just date a celebrity
and I’ll be in the clear.

Of course I’m a leader of men
and if I’m to ditch Cherie
I must find a celeb the whole world loves
who’s not been on reality TV.

A Cheeky Girl’s perfect for a Lib Dem
as they’ll never amount to much
but a genuine saviour needs more grace and favour;
a Labour leader needs a gold-plated crutch.

I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and turn my misfortunes around.
I need to date a celebrity
who cares about the fate of the pound.

I need a celeb with a tough constitution
who’ll stand up to accusations of sleaze.
It’s a shame Diana died when she did;
she’d have handled my needs with great ease

and I think we can discount Britney Spears
as too lowbrow to do me much good.
Paris Hilton’s too man-ish, Penny Cruz far too Spanish
and Winona Ryder’s just misunderstood.

Yes, I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and stave off political shame.
I must just date a celebrity
and play the Heat magazine game

but there are no celebrity women
who are quite as strong as my wife.
She’s Lady Macbeth crossed with a letterbox.
She keeps Gordon at bay with a knife.

But I’m in trouble and she can’t help any more.
I must take on my opponents and deck ‘em.
There’s just one solution to avoiding persecution.
I must marry David Beckham.