IF YOU LIVE THE HIGH LIFE

for David Beckham

David Beckham was left fuming after a German newspaper branded his mum a “peasant”. The England football captain is said to be furious after discovering popular paper Bild attacked his entire family – including his young children – who are staying in Frankfurt for the World Cup.

If you live the high life you must learn to take the knocks
as someone’s always jealous of success.
If you live the high life you’ll need shoulders like an ox
to just survive the hatred of the press.

And if they call your mum a peasant
take a deep breath, remain pleasant
don’t ever raise your softly squeaky voice
just remember all those England fans
who in vile salute have raised their hands
and left the German press with little choice

If you live the high life you must always come up smiling
even when accused of something gross.
If you live the high life keep your temperament beguiling
don’t do anything too ugly or morose.

If they satirise your stick-like wife,
slice your ego with a butter knife,
you must take it on the chin and walk away
Just remember the goose-stepping
by some beer boys from Epping
and live to score a goal another day

If you live the high life you must learn to take the knocks
as someone’s always jealous of success
If you live the high life you’ll need shoulders like an ox
to just survive the hatred of the press

They say that football is just a game
but people will abuse your fame
in a desperate bid to make you fail
because in Nuremberg and Hanover
fans who gloat about the war
have unilaterally lost their sense of scale.

If you live the high life you must always come up smiling
even when some fans are thoughtless thugs
If you live the high life keep your temperament beguiling
and always check your dressing room for bugs

If they call your wife a trophy whore
just worry about the final score
(as long as you know she’s nothing of the sort)
get your team into the final
don’t flush your chance down the urinal
Keep your mind entirely set on sport.

If you live the high life you must learn to take the knocks
and never show a measure of distress
If you live the high life you’ll need shoulders like an ox
to survive the pressures of success

And remember this final warning
if you fail then the next morning
the English press will hit you twice as hard
They’ll be infinitely meaner
than after the foul against Argentina
when all your temper got you was a card.