IF WILLIAM HAD MARRIED KATE MIDDLETON

“Caring Kate Middleton acted like a new mum to Prince William…” The Sun, Monday, April 16

If William had married Kate Middleton
he’d have made a ghastly error,
akin to fighting fire with fire
as in the war on terror,

a repetition of the worst traits
any royal family possesses
like dressing up as Nazis
or wearing women’s dresses

or actually supporting Hitler
or sleeping with your horse
or calling Chinese “slitty eyed”
or serial divorce

or sucking Texan oilmen’s toes
or writing helicopter books
or sleeping with the servants
or conducting telephone sex

or starting wars around the world
because of family spats
or noisily obsessing
about corgis, horses, cats

or playing Polo in the Cotswolds
or travelling by plane
to tell the world the environment’s
going down the drain

or denying that lesbians
could ever really exist
or living in a bubble world
of privilege and mist.

It’s not that Kate’s too common;
that’s a laughable excuse.
The inbred world of royalty
needs its genes let loose

(and though that’s happened pretty often
the bastards aren’t accepted –
nearly all such assignations
have been safely intercepted).

No, it’s more that the relationship
had become too oedipal –
she’d become his mother
not his good time girl

and the royal family
would certainly have been annoyed
if their bright young hope
was open to analysis by Freud.