DON’T SCOFF AT THE HOFF

The career resurrection of David Hasselhoff continues apace, with last Friday even being declared Hoff Day by Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles. The Borkowski poet in residence just had to join in with the celebrations…

He’s a happy cheeseball icon,
he’s a kosher brand of ham.
He’ll keep you watching for ten minutes
‘til the swimsuit bit with Pam.

He’s kitsch and rather charming
in his dumb ironic way.
His hair’s his personality.
He’s hetero and he’s gay.

He’s Germany’s pop saviour.
He’s straight in at number three.
He’s your latest chintzy ringtone.
He’s Christmas tinsel on the tree.

He’s a lover and an actor,
he’s a chiselled hunk of cheese.
He makes a certain brand of woman
go quite weak at the knees.

He will woo you from a distance
through the TV screen.
He’s an oily, happy charmer.
He’s coffee sans caffeine.

He’s an advertising Hercules –
for what brand, it matters not –
but if it takes twelve tasks to sell it
he’ll give it all he’s got

which isn’t much I must admit,
but there’s no call to scoff.
He may be a disco glitterball
but there’s just one David Hasselhoff

so enjoy him while he lasts,
give him the worship he requires
until his star is again consumed
in its own greedy fires.

Pamper him and love him
from Rio to Berlin
until at last the time comes
to make a sofa from his skin.