DON'T MENTION THE WAR

Owing to reasons of ennui, I am unable to comment on the thin woman with plastic trousers and a ring in her lip.

Owing to reasons of diplomacy, I am equally unable to make rude remarks about a certain broadsheet that used this information as an excuse for a quarter-page think-piece on fashion trends in piercing, and the thin woman’s position as a role model in contemporary society.

My immediate stunt concern is less crucial, but it’s shared by the whole nation (bar the tiny minority of 45m who have no interest in the matter whatsoever).

England v Germany. The media is setting up an exciting array of pre-match excuses for England’s lousy performance, defeat and subsequent failure to qualify for the World Cup.

The hottest current offering is how the sneaky Hun have hoodwinked the trusting, straight-batting Brits into booking accommodation in a shabby dormitory in the Hotel Hofmeister, beside the 48-hour a day, 4000 square foot rave, sex, “crack’n’whores r us” bier keller that daily plays host to the world’s most hard-core AA-grade deviants, perverts and loud-mouthed hedonists.

At least, that’s what I think I read in the Star in the middle of a 12-page feature on Jordanian issues.

Aware of this ugly mood in the British media, an excellent charm offensive has been mounted by the German police.

A top team of specially trained stress-counselling constables has been called in, so the story goes, to inform ticketless fans, gently, that they will be unable to watch the match.

Presumably they will invite supporters to examine childhood trauma, before initiating some yogic breathing exercises, concluded with a little aromatherapy.

This is all excellent news, with strong column-inch potential, that deflects any sense of unfair play.

It’s been backed by a canny succession of interviews with high-ranking Germans, waxing precisely about anticipated decibel levels in said hotel.

We can all – like the England team – rest easy, ready to awake fully refreshed, for a defeat explicable only in footballing terms.

Unless of course the thin woman’s lip ring had something to do with the man-who-used-to-have-a-mohican’s groin strain.

Subtle stuff. Stunt meter rating: 8.1.