A GREAT IDEA AT THE TIME? NEVER!
Jordan must have thought she’d be a shoe-in for Eurovision. She was so confident she said she’d leave the country if she lost. The bookies were so confident they had her as hot favorite. The News of the World was so confident it printed a story saying she’d won.
Perhaps her latest implants have enlarged her ego as much as her bosom, because it was always a terrible idea. Because there was always a fatal flaw in her plan to sing for Britain – she can’t sing.
The bookies may have made her favorite but I never did. Because it doesn’t matter how famous you are: if you’re going to enter a singing contest, you have to be able to sing. This need not be true for the pop charts but Eurovision, for all its faults, is one of the few places that insists its performers actually sing live. So not even a deluge of hype could help her.
The one woman publicity machine feeds the tabloid beast with what nourishes and sustains it (glamour, celebrity, controversy and round-the-clock availability for photo-opportunities in skimpy outfits) all the red-tops wanted Jordan (sorry, Katie Price) to fly the flag for Britain. But despite the huge groundswell of media support, and despite the half-a-million text messages sent to potential voters, the plan was fatally flawed from the start. Because as soon as Katie Price opened her mouth the mirror cracked. (Almost literally in my living room).
There were other contributory factors to her disastrous performance: the pink vinyl cat suit encasing her bump made her look like a cross between Vicky Pollard and Dafydd, the only gay in the village; that and a song devoid of anything resembling what’s technically known as ‘a tune.’ But these were minor flaws compared to the catastrophic central problem – she can’t sing.
Perhaps because she is the original ‘famous-for-being-famous’ celebrity, it may never occurred to Jordan that you might have to actually do anything for your fame, other than be photographed and mate with other micro-celebrities. She certainly seemed surprised by the boos that greeted the end of her performance. And when she lost to Javine she looked… can I say deflated?
This has been a seismic shock to those think that tabloid creations will always win through just because Jordan is a walking photo opp doesn’t mean that it’s a no brainier. But let’s hope she changes her mind about leaving the country because she’s a national institution and our media needs her. Was it just my imagination or has Miss Pwice already (corr.) started talking like that other bastion of British bustiness, Barbara Windsor? Carry on Katie… Just don’t start singing again. And lets expect a don’t leave us for Australia scam turning up in a red top in the near future