Archive for October, 2006

THE HOWLING

A celebrity-driven Halloween fantasy by the Borkowski poet in residence.

A loopy young celeb called Tom Cruise
surfed sofas in search of his muse.
He found her consuming
a reporter called Blooming
in search of some headline news.

It was of course Halloween
and Tom had been a year off the screen
after the Paramount lot
got decidedly hot,
but he didn’t expect to see what he’d seen.

That fame has a price we all know;
only practices strange make it grow
but Blooming was lunch
because Tom’s muse had a hunch
that she had that bit further to go.

So Tom stopped her and took her aside
and her carnivorous ways he decried.
Too cross to be wary
he didn’t see her palms getting hairy
until she took her angst out on his hide.

Around Hollywood’s hills they’re now prowling
and scratching and sniffing and growling
in search of more fame
and some tender young game
and a big budget remake of The Howling.

If this sorry little tale has a moral
it is that famous lovers shouldn’t quarrel.
They’ll only turn vicious
if they’re over-ambitious
until their fixations become scarily oral.

THE HIRST BUBBLE

Brit artist Damien Hirst has been accused of plagiarizing a design by Robert Dixon. The Borkowski poet in residence has suffered similar difficulties…

“The problem is not Damian Hirst’s borrowing from others, but his own loss of originality,” Jonathan Jones, The Guardian, Wednesday October 25

This poem has been copied by Damien Hirst.
It’s been forged, faked and framed, then been dispersed
as the genuine article
although not one single particle
was versed by Damien first.

This poem has been copied by Damien Hirst
and there’s no hope the poet will be reimbursed.
It’s the lot of a poet
to lose out and know it
then develop a grudge to be nursed.

Yes, this poem has been copied by Damien Hirst.
In its metre he’s been entirely submersed
before ripping it off
to sell to a toff
who’s unaware that Hirst’s bubble has burst.

The Original Dog Wedding

I had a letter from a Mrs Alan Gilzean, I suspect no relation to the Tottenham and England footballer, who said that her uncle, back in 1949 staged the original dog wedding, (which we recently staged for Harrods) which caused outrage in his Parish Church, St Peter’s in London.
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I am told in Jane magazine that there is all change in the house of Simpson, Jessica not Homer, that is!

I am told in Jane magazine that it’s all change in the house of Simpson, Jessica not Homer!

It seems that she has fired her publicist and has taken control of her brand. “I am my own publicist right now.” I’ve called all the heads of the tabloids. I don’t want anyone else to speak for me now. It felt good to call them, but it was hard to find forgiveness. But that’s one of my best qualities, I’m very forgiving.”

The forgiving Simpson has undertaken the hugely emotional work involved in being one’s own publicist. When the tide begins to turns its always best to shot the dog. Being a publicist can be so difficult. The excitement of representing a client up for the game can some times prove that the person is nothing more than a poisoned chalice

According to Jane magazine, Simpson’s father fired her publicist over the John Mayer John Mayer romance publicity stunt being found out. Lets see if this publicity stunt to cover the tracks of another publicity stunt will be found out as well. The old Hollywood adage that never blame your PR man might yet be a aphorism that the Simpson family should have understood before the public execution of Rob Shuter

THE E.T. CAFE

Destination Moon, directed by Irving Pichel was released in 1950. Its claim to fame was that it starred Grace Stafford who was better known as the voice of Woody Woodpecker.

It was a low budget movie where you could see all the studio lights reflected in the visors of the actors helmets, but despite this, it still won an Oscar for the best special effects which were devised by Lee Zavitz, who later went on to work on the Pink Panthar. It had a poor reception in the U.S. and Jim Moran was hired to make it a success in Europe. He created a series of stunts all over Europe with actors wearing helmets and costumes with the name of the film on them. Then he created a series of tea parties with the actors that were held in bomb craters, which resembled a moonscape. France, Belgium, Holland and England were only four of the venues for these tea parties. Moran introduced an extra terrestrial street café to promote the movie and generate more interest in it.

The film was such a success in Europe that Moran took the idea to NASA to explain space travel to the public.

Even lawyers fear for their reputation in Macca divorce

This is London – London,England,UK
… Public relations expert Mark Borkowski said the leaking of the court papers – which may have been intended to depict Ms Mills as the victim of an abusive
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New palace guard

Another new character has joined the cast of the McCartney, Mills soap opera. Just like a new player breezing into the Rovers Return, this one is not there to up the viewers. It’s not a ratings battle here but more of a reputation battle that continues to mesmerize a global audience of gawkers, all pushing and shoving at the bomb blasted keyhole. Today’s turn of events in the divorce feud is that it is now influenced by a far more corporate and cautious figure. Journalists were told this morning that certain aspects of Mills’ media relations are now being handled by Shimon Cohen. Graceful Cohen once worked under Tim Bell expect a far more business like approach.

WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW

Sir Paul McCartney has furiously refuted allegations by his estranged wife Heather Mills that he was physically abusive towards her. The former Beatle is furious over the claims made by Heather in leaked divorce documents, and has vowed to “vigorously” contest the allegations in court.

What we really want to know
is that money got the better of both of them

What we really want to know
is that the breakdown of the marriage was Yoko Ono’s fault

What we really want to know
is that Paul McCartney
after years of thumb-raising cheeriness
finally lost his rag
tore off Heather’s false leg
and ran around the house with it, screaming

What we really want to know
is that Heather hopped after him
stark naked
singing Helter Skelter backwards
and waving a machete
until she got blisters on her fingers

What we really want to know
is when Beatrice is being taken into care
and why the local council didn’t serve ASBOs

What we really want to know
is that the stupidly rich are no better than us
and all their money affords them
is a better class of bust up

What we really want to know
is the gory truth
the minute details of beatings, stabbings, blackmail, hatred
It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not
as long as there are photos in the tabloids

Anyway,
who needs truth in a celebrity divorce?

The stench of dead rat behind the headlines?

Is there a stench of dead rat starting to percolate as the latest high profile drug row hits the headlines? The National Centre for Clinical excellence is once again vilified and demonised as the bogey man. It wasn’t so long ago that the highly emotional argument about Herceptin, the breast cancer drug, was raging with equal force. News coverage told how the drug was being held back rather than being openly available to sufferers in their fight against the evil disease.
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THE BABY IN THE BASKET

“Whatever Madonna’s original motives were for adopting 13 month old David Banda, from the mission run Home of Hope orphanage in Malawi, are now irrelevant. The backlash has suffocated the original motivation.”

The baby in the basket
the mother in the press
the father back in Africa
the balance to redress.
The baby in the basket
the quality of spin
the torn veil of secrecy
the good name wearing thin.
The poverty, the emptiness
in Africa and the West
everyone is desperate
and doing their selfish best.
The paucity of charity
the inability to mask it
the general lack of thought
for the baby in the basket.

The baby in the basket
who might have one day worked a field
with his father spraying crops
has become the baby in the basket
that Madonna chose to wield
as the latest in a string of celebrity props.

The baby in the basket
may receive a better start in life
with Lourdes and Guy and Madge
but the baby in the basket
will know a higher class of strife
born of being worn as a celebrity’s badge.

The baby in the basket
may well be free from poverty
but now he’s tangled in another trap.
The baby in the basket,
foisted with newfound celebrity,
won’t escape the corruption of luxury’s lap.

The baby in the basket
the mother in the press
the father back in Africa
the balance to redress.
The baby in the basket
the quality of spin
the torn veil of secrecy
the good name wearing thin.
The poverty, the emptiness
in Africa and the West
everyone is desperate
and doing their selfish best.
The paucity of charity
the inability to mask it
the general lack of thought
for the baby in the basket.

Borkowski